Ten Incredible Reasons To Make Lakeside Bicycles Your Choice!
1. Every pro in the pro peloton buys their bikes here. They only come by very late at night when no one is looking (the pros are VERY shy) and they insist that we never mention them by name (Bradley Wiggens, Chris Horner, Fabien Cancellara). How did we do it? With the liberal use of bribes, threats, and the widespread dispersal of sexual favors. Our motto is: "We paid the vig, we earned the payoff" |
2. We do a better job of fitting you to your new bike than any store in the world |
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4. Every model we choose to stock goes through a rigorous testing process. Dipped in Morton's (registered trademark) Seafood batter they are then roasted until the achieve golden brown perfection. But don't eat that bicycle frame yet! We then drop every frame off of the back roof, drive over it with the shop 1989 Land Cruiser, and tie it to four Percherons and attempt to pull it to pieces. After all this it is placed in a focus group of incredibly attractive Europeans for a desirability test. Only when they have passed all these trials do we offer a frame to our customers. Our motto is: "We will sell no bicycle before someone pays for it". |
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![]() 5. Our new GyroscopicMyopicNimbulator keeps your bike from ever falling over, even when it is falling over. Even better, should you feel the need to fall down (so you can gracefully withdraw from a race, demonstrate how not to ride, gain sympathy from an attractive passer by or create insurance fraud opportunities), you can turn the GMN off by simply refusing to believe in it (I DO believe in Faeries! I DO! I DO!) Our motto is: "Never let reality intrude when imagination and self delusion will suffice". |
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8. Studies have shown that people who purchase our bikes live longer, have brighter smiles, are more rapidly promoted, encounter fewer red lights, are seventeen times more likely to win the lottery, produce smarter and more efficient children and, of course, are infinitely more physically appealing. Our motto is: "Live long and prosper. And while you are at it maybe you score once in a while. You should enjoy." |
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10. Our website doesn't use those annoying pop-up ads! Our website does occupy your consciousness and slowly (over time) exert its influence over you and all your acquaintances to encourage all of you to live healthy, safe, and productive happy lives. Our motto is: "If you are living a healthy, safe, and productive happy life you are probably shopping at Lakeside Bicycles." |