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Ten Incredible Reasons To Make Lakeside Bicycles Your Choice!


1. Every pro in the pro peloton buys their bikes here.   They only come by very late at night when no one is looking (the pros are VERY shy) and they insist that we never mention them by name (Bradley Wiggens, Chris Horner, Fabien Cancellara).  How did we do it?  With the liberal use of bribes, threats, and the widespread dispersal of sexual favors.  Our motto is:  "We paid the vig, we earned the payoff"

2. We do a better job of fitting you to your new bike than any store in the world (except for Nepal's Yak-Pro in Kathmandu:  Good luck finding them.  They aren't REALLY in Kathmandu and their name isn't REALLY Yak-Pro).   Our fit pros were all trained by the famous Bruce Lee (Yes, THAT Bruce Lee.  Not Bruce Li who made that hateful Bruce Lee bio in the late Seventies).  If you have issues with your fit they will gladly beat you to a pulp before keeping your money.   Our Motto is: "If we cannot make the bike fit the rider there is always time to make the rider fit the bike.  With force if necessary" (it seldom is).
3. Although our bikes LOOK just like normal, stock models, OUR frames are made from Dilithium crystals and the laughter of small children. These tubes actually have a negative weight due to their hot air content. And, yes, we have an exclusive on this. Sorry no refunds on frames that slip out of your hands and float away. And, absolutely, positively, never let your frame anywhere near the matter/anti matter engine as every atom in it is liable to instantly accelerate to light speed at orthogonaly perpendicular vectors to every other atom (end of Space and Time, anyone?)!  Our motto is:  "Better living through chemistry."
4. Every model we choose to stock goes through a rigorous testing process.   Dipped in Morton's (registered trademark) Seafood batter they are then roasted until the achieve golden brown perfection.   But don't eat that bicycle frame yet!  We then drop every frame off of the back roof, drive over it with the shop 1989 Land Cruiser, and tie it to four Percherons and attempt to pull it to pieces.  After all this it is placed in a focus group of incredibly attractive Europeans for a desirability test.  Only when they have passed all these trials do we offer a frame to our customers.  Our motto is: "We will sell no bicycle before someone pays for it".


Race Test                       Fire Test                      Date Test

5. Our new GyroscopicMyopicNimbulator keeps your bike from ever falling over, even when it is falling over. Even better, should you feel the need to fall down (so you can gracefully withdraw from a race, demonstrate how not to ride, gain sympathy from an attractive passer by or create insurance fraud opportunities), you can turn the GMN off by simply refusing to believe in it (I DO believe in Faeries!  I DO! I DO!)  Our motto is: "Never let reality intrude when imagination and self delusion will suffice".
6. No animals are harmed during the assembly of our bikes (unless you count flogging the mechanics to increase productivity and improve morale). Our Assembly Taskmaster (shown at left reading to the cat, dog, and ferret), ensures that every bike is built according to our 2,872 page assembly guidebook. Assemblers missing a step are flogged, keelhauled, placed in "time out" or forced to read to the cat, dog, and ferret, depending on the severity of their infraction or (in the case of our lead mechanic) on an elective basis. Our Motto is: "Your satisfaction is our first priority.  No matter who gets hurt".

7. The electromagnetic fields surrounding our bikes increase the effective downhill weight and decrease the effective uphill weight of rider and bike by some multiple of the secant of a squared standard circle to the square root of negative one. Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and Mr. Science with the assistance of the Disney Imagineers developed the secrets of this process during a Week long research session at a nearby Motel Six (during which, enough Pepsi and Doritos were consumed to choke a small horse.  Which IS NOT the same as cruelty to animals though the choking of a small horse was required at one point).  This process is Not recommended for riders with large metal plates in their heads.  Our motto is: "God does not play dice with the Universe.  God does, however, play bridge with the Katz's."

8. Studies have shown that people who purchase our bikes live longer, have brighter smiles, are more rapidly promoted, encounter fewer red lights, are seventeen times more likely to win the lottery, produce smarter and more efficient children and, of course, are infinitely more physically appealing.  Our motto is: "Live long and prosper.  And while you are at it maybe you score once in a while.  You should enjoy."

9. Every dollar you spend in our shop translates into a $10,000.07 boost to the local economy, prevents Sharia law in our schools, straightens our spines, mends our minds, and helps win the war for the allies. Plus, the only thing our employees like as much as riding is eating. So, buying a bike from us could be the best investment in the economy you ever make!  Our motto is: "A Penny saved and not re-invested is a gosh darned lazy penny!"


10. Our website doesn't use those annoying pop-up ads!  Our website does occupy your consciousness and slowly (over time) exert its influence over you and all your acquaintances to encourage all of you to live healthy, safe, and productive happy lives.  Our motto is:  "If you are living a healthy, safe, and productive happy life you are probably shopping at Lakeside Bicycles."